For Rod's 75th by anahata.c
Contains profanity
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This artwork contains mature content: profanity.
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Description
(Image is Photoshop, finished in AI.)
Ok. Rod was 75 on October 20th. I'm late.
I began this on October 19th, but it was so bad, I ditched it.
Then, last night---late---I finished it! I hope it's good! I'm a little loopy right now, so I'm not giving guarantees.This in in lieu of a major piece of writing.
(Oh, and any AI fans: I mention AI a wee bit...)
I wish you a much, much better and easier time ahead, Rod, and may all the pitfalls and struggles and everything else you've been through come to a stop, and may you flourish! I wish you and Jo all the very best! For those of you who want to know, here's his gallery: RodS
And now, as Jackie Gleason used to say, "awayyyyyy we goooooo..."
(this is a reeeeeally stupid tale, folks, you gotta cut me some slack...)
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For Rod's 75th Birthday
He was solving a particularly maddening problem, when he heard a "woof".
He turned: It was a dog (!). And the problem was: He didn't have a dog.
A shockwave ran through him: It was hard enough to be invaded by a human---but a dog?
Was it a robber? Or worse! What did it want with Rod??? And how did it get in, in the first place???
"Did I leave the front door unlocked?" said Rod. "How'd you get in here?"
The dog scratched his face, sneezed---that pop-explosion that dogs do when they sneeze---then looked at Rod and said: "You. You got me in here. You."
"What???"
The dog sighed as if he'd told this story a million times: "You were using AI---remember? Doing fills, backgrounds, etc. And you used AI. (Stay with me.) Then you typed in a prompt: 'Dog, sitting by Kinnie's side. Shaggy and unempt...' (Whispering:) Thanks for the compliment. (Loudly:) You created me."
"I created you?" said Rod.
"Eee-yup!"
Rod sat down. His life flashed before his eyes. It was in technicolor. And widescreen. And he thought: 'I don't wanna see this! I've been through too much this year!' "I'm tired, dog! So whoever you are---just leave. And what's your name? You got a name, right?"
"Petropavlovka."
"Pardon?"
"It's a district in Russia," said the dog: "I liked the name, so I stole it."
"Hoo boy," muttered Rod. "Ok, Mr. Petro-whatever: So I prompted you into Russia---it was a mistake: my AI sucks---and you took its name."
The dog nodded.
"Great," said Rod. "And now---by another AI prompt, I presume---you wound up in my basement. Did you come to see my computers? You've been talking to the writer of this piece, anahata.c? He luuuuuvs to lie about my computers: The guy's obsessed. (Whispering to the dog:) He thinks I've got rocket launchers down here, a particle collider, a centrifuge the size of Cleveland; the guy thinks I build computers out of apricot pits: You been talkin' to him? And you came here to see if I live up to his crazy ideas, right?"
"No," said the dog. "You don't live up to his crazy ideas: That's not why I'm here. You created me, that's why I'm here: You created me with a prompt. You're not crazy about AI, but you created me---moi---you had AI opened, you typed in something---without thinking---and presto: I popped into existence!"
"Sorry!" said Rod.
"And the trouble was, you didn't look at the prompt, and I wound up in a hair salon in Russia! (And let's face it, the whole concept of you putting me in a hair salon is like, way outlandish, considering you got a bald spot the size of Montana!")
"The author has one too!" shouted Rod.
"Oh, don't get me started," said the dog: "The Air Force does test raids off his head..."
Rod muttered. "If someone's up in heaven: What's this dog want from me!"
"Speaking of heaven," said the dog, "you know how God created the universe? Prompts. That's right: Prompts. God made the universe with prompts. I was there! Oh it was a mess! God said "Let there be light," and AI gave 'm duct tape, a P-Trap pipe for a kitchen sink, a line of unbelievably expensive Allen Wrenches, a small, but supple, can opener that opens cans but gets the liquid all over the rug; even a large carp showed up---with 3 fins. (Whispering:) You should see what AI's hands looked like. Adam had 14 fingers on one, around 4500 on the other. Eve had 2 heads. And gills. (It was embarrassing.) And the snake had a tailpipe, 2 small golf balls coming out of its nostrils, and the apple wore a dinner jacket and sang "I Gotta Be Me". Even at Creation, AI was fucked up..."
Rod was dumbfounded.
"And listen to this," continued the dog: "Right now, there's an author typing this very piece, by typing prompts into his software---stay with me now---and he's creating you and me as we speak: with prompts! And all the while, someone is creating him---are you getting this?---and on and on and on..." The dog wept: "No one knows where it ends. No one. I'm a wreck..." (Rod had no reaction.) "Ok, scrap the tears," said the dog: "But it's pretty awful when you think about it. We're all a bunch of prompts!"
Rod slumped in the chair.
"See?" said the dog: "Someone just wrote that: Male in chair. Slumps. Looks slovenly..." He shook Rod: "We're all prompts. And bad prompts! AI's got problems. Listen: The first galaxies were fried eggs! (Whispering:) Really big fried eggs. AI didn't get around to 'stars' for about 2 million eons! Give AI a prompt, it does what it wants!"
Rod took a deep breath. "Ok, but you gotta do one thing: Prove to me I created you with a prompt, then I'll believe what you say."
"Jesus," said the dog. "Ok: Type a prompt."
"What?"
"Type a prompt: Any prompt. You want proof: Type a prompt."
So Rod woke up his computer, opened his AI software, stared at the dog one more time---still convinced this was a dream and anahata.c was gonna pay bigtime---then turned back and typed: "Dog...invading my basement...he hands me a bag: It has 3 billion dollars in it." He turned to the dog: "Ya hear that? I just asked for 3 billion dollars! Show me the money!"
"It's done!" said the dog.
3 seconds later, 3 billion dollars appeared: 3 billion, legal tender! Rod nearly passed out. "Holy shit!" he cried.
"Exactly," said the dog: "But it's AI money, sirrah! You have to be in AI-land for it to work!"
Rod looked incredulous.
"Look: It's real money in the AI universe. So go type in an AI universe, and buy yourself a Bentley!"
"You know what?" said Rod: "I'm sorry I let you in."
"I'm not too crazy about it either!" said the dog. "I was in an AI with 6 incredible dachshunds. They're short, but they're great in bed!"
"Oh, classy!" said Rod.
"Hey I'm a dog," he said. "I didn't say I was Mahatma Gandhi. Listen, I gotta pee: Is there someplace I can do it?"
"In the middle of a tale you're doing this?"
He grabbed Rod: "I gotta pee! Prompt me something!"
"Jesus," said Rod: "Ok." He typed: "Patch of grass, a big tree..." They appeared! And the dog walked over to them, turned to Rod and said, "do you mind?" (Rod turned away.) And he took a piss the size of Yakutsk. (This was a large piss.) And when he finished, he looked at Rod.
"What?" said Rod.
"Prompt me outa this!"
"Right, right..."
And Rod typed, and the pee disappeared. In fact, not only did the pee disappear, but 6 of Rod's neighbors disappeared (Rod was a lousy prompter), along with a 1984 Chevy, two squirrels, and a lawn mower which had died 6 years ago and was now playing King Lear in a repertory theater in Kansas City (they used the Stanislavski Method: lawn mowers are particularly good at that). And the dog was back in the chair, free of all pee.
"Can I tell you something?" said the dog: "Well I'm gonna, so pull up a chair. When you created me, you tweaked and tweaked and tweaked until I nearly collapsed. You know how tweaks feel? Ya ever been tweaked??? Then you had me on a horse---with 5 legs---then flying arm and arm with a 10 TB external hard drive, then you had me back with the Pharaohs---who weren't exactly a bundle of laughs---figuring out how to split the Red Sea!"
"I thought Moses did that!" said Rod.
"His AI was shitty. Then some lady in one of your tales---Ranpha? Ranpha? (where d'you get these names???)---prompted, "Moo goo gai pan," and she got Asia! Asia! I've done days worth of prompts, and I get maybe a corner in Passaic, New Jersey. Anyway, I'm suggesting a bill in congress: Stop All Tweaks. You don't like your prompts? Start from scratch. Tweaking is against the Geneva Conventions. (And if you've ever been to a Geneva Convention, fuggeddabbouddit.)"
Long silence.
"That was a joke," said the dog.
"I'll try to remember that," said Rod.
"Damn straight. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that the author (anahata.c) wanted to wish you a happy birthday."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Don't get too excited. His gift sucks."
"What is it? I'm 75 ya know."
"He's aware of that. (Whispering:) You're pushing it, baldy, don't push it..."
"(Leaning close:) I'm 75!"
"Got it. But here's the point: He wanted to write you a normal tale---well, for him. I mean, when has he written a normal tale...anyway, he wanted to do one of those, but he couldn't. He's dried up. Kaput. Finito. His writing's about as funny as a dried peach pit. (And if you've ever heard a dried peach pit, lemme tell ya...but seriously, folks...) Anyway his sense of humor left town about 6 years ago, and his art is even worse. So he doesn't have a gift for you. This is all you get---this piece. Here, take it." (Shoving it:) Take it---"
And the dog handed Rod a flash drive, which contained the entire text of this upload. And Rod took it.
And behold, Rod did take the text, and spoke unto the lord: "Behold, lord, for I have received the text which you have given unto Mark, and I am brought low, for it is a bold text, a mighty text, and the nations shall bow before it because---I don't know, a freaking cockroach wouldn't bow before it, if you ask me." And at that, the lord---to prove Rod wrong---typed "cockroach," and the cockroach did come into the tale; and the cockroach went to the text, and bowed before it as the lord had commanded. "Good enough?" said the cockroach to the lord. "Yeah, it's good," said the lord; "but next time, try it with more pathos, I wanna feel your pain,I wanna feel your awe..." And the cockroach did take notes, and he want back to his people, and it was a good people, and they were fruitful and multiplied, and that's all I've got on his people 'cause basically I'm out of words.
And the lord did type: "You didn't have any to begin with!" And he ended the tale.
And the paragraph ended, and the dog disappeared. And Rod sat in his basement, surrounded by his 2 billion computers 750,000 monitors, 14,000 renders still rendering, and his Hadron Collider---for when your Hadrons just need to collide---and atomic centrifuge and rocket launcher and 1600 black holes (which sound vaguely obscene); and he went over to RR, looked in anahata.c's gallery, and saw this upload. And he thought: "75 years, and I get this for my birthday???"
But---on the other side of the world---anahata.c typed: "Finish tale. Call it a 'Masterpiece'. Give me 200,000 adoring fans. Many will weep. Let comments pour in---in the thousands---with Major awards. A Nobel. No, make that two. A Heisman. A Bertie. There's no Bertie. I made up Bertie. I completely made up Bertie. There's no Bertie. And give me Artist of the Month and Artist of the Year, and Artist of the Century and 2 or 3 Artists of the Era---I'm partial to the Mesozoic, but who's counting---and let all the websites in the world come to my piece and worship it. Oh---and give me a full head of hair. But above all give Rod and Jo all they're been working for, and a great place to live, and 3 billion dollars, and---I don't know, ask him: I gotta do everything around here?"
Happy 75th, Rod! And many many more! I'll prompt another 2000 years for you and Jo! I hope the next year goes so much better than the last. All the best in everything! Mark
(And I then typed, "upload"---you ready for this joke?---I got uploaded to a website in Perth, Australia. Why Perth? Because they were developing a pill that kept Perth-ians in line. You know what they called them? "Perth Control Pills". Sorry! I told you my jokes sucked. Happy Birthday Rod! And many more in the best of health and peace!!!)
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Comments (8)
RodS Online Now!
OH........MY.........GOD!!!!!
I am on the floor (well, I will be in a moment or two...)... I can't see because I have tears running down both cheeks. I know they're running, because they're wearing Nikes..
Seriously, I am laughing so hard, I can't even drink my coffee! This is hilarious, brilliant, and an anahata.c masterpiece! I LOVE IT!! There are now 200,000 adoring fans in my basement - along with a smartass dog - and they're spraypainting graffiti all over my Hadron Collider. And the cockroaches are building a train station in the closet. And they're using AI prompts to create a real cockroach train! Have you ever seen a cockroach train? It's different, let me tell you!
Oh, Mark - you really lit up my day with this, and with your delightful art above (I think it's still up there - I still can't see)! I'm going to have this silly grin all day, and probably tomorrow as well. We have checkups tomorrow at the eye doctor's, and I just know he's gonna ask why I have such a shit-eating grin - especially when I tell him I can't see because I'm still laughing at your wonderful tale! And it's a real bitch driving across town when you can't see! I'll probably end up in Iowa someplace, and get confused as to what city I'm in..😆
Thank you sooooo much, Buddy! You just made my whole month (and it just started)! You rock, good sir!
I hope you're doing much better now, and are well on the road to better health! Your sense of humor is certainly in excellent shape!
anahata.c
Thanks so much, Rod. I'm so happy---and wayyyy relieved---that you liked this idiotic tale. (It was curated just for you.) And no, I've never seen a cockroach train, but I've been on a first-name basis with several cockroaches, and they owe me big bucks. But that's for another tale. Hope your eye appointment went well (did they dilate? you gotta admit, dilation is from mars! you feel you've been sent to a far corner of the cosmos for 3 hours...) Happy 75th! It's a big deal, and I"m happy I could add something to it. Here's to 75 more! (Rah rah!)
eekdog Online Now!
dang nab! what one heck of a write up and most cool art Mark. it reminded me of a Beatles style lp i enjoy Rods intake of your story. and i also hope your doing well my friend. no gunshots lately here.
eekdog Online Now!
love the dog and the idea of AI money, im with Rod on AI creations. and your image has such fascinating elements, frogs, birds, odd creatures and a sun smiling. a image really well done. and one of the best works i've seen from you.
RedPhantom Online Now!
This is hilarious. Love the idea. Great job
bakapo
Stop all tweaks! LOL! That is perfect AI user mood. This story is adorable, fun, crazy, and sweet. So many ideas and randomness and yet it tells a good story. This is an absolute gem of a tale. The narrator/dog is awesome! The image is fun and so colorful. It really does remind me of old disney-style cartoons where flowers and plants come to life. Everything looks so happy. Well done. Happy Birthday to Rod!
anahata.c
oh thank you, Barb, thanks so much. And w/ the image, I had disney in mind from the start, and I'm really grateful that you and steve liked that. (the original was huge, but I didn't want to take away from the tale, which was crazy enough). Take care and thanks again. Enjoy your weekend!
ladylake Online Now!
This has to be one of the BEST short stories I have ever read!!! I am with Rod, this will keep me smiling for a month, maybe longer. :-) Thanks for sharing Rod's gift with all of us.
anahata.c
thanks so much for reading this, Lyla...it's a whacky piece and I hoped you'd like it. (It's all about AI!) Thanks so much for your very kind comments, and your beautiful art.
Richardphotos
really a fun work of art Mark. Rod is a lucky man
Lunaseas
So funny, loved it.