THE FISHY PLASTIC SURGEON We've all seen the tabloids with their “plastic surgery horror stories,†but what passes as horror usually means that a movie star lost her belly button. If you think that's horror, you probably don't want to hear the story of Dr. Beaumont. It was a small town, and let's be honest, that's not exactly where you find the top tier plastic surgeons. But still, Dr. Beaumont had built himself a respectable practice, and all the old ladies in town had really tight faces. Still, he would rather be spending his time on his true passion in life: tending to his aquariums. He had a handsome hundred gallon tank in his office lobby, and had two or three more at home. Anyway, one day some cranky middle-aged woman came in and asked him for some implants. She wanted the saline kind, but Dr. Beaumont managed to convince her that someone her age would be better served by silicone. They did the surgery, and that was that – for a couple of weeks at least. She returned to let the doctor know just how dissatisfied she was with his work, telling him she looked like she had inhaled a pair of softballs. She knew she shouldn't have let him talk her into silicone, and demanded that he redo the procedure with saline implants or else she'd take him to court. Well, that was one complaint too many for the ol' Doc. No one appreciated his artistry, his years upon years of training, and so forth. He'd had it with that little town and all the ungrateful patients – especially this one. Do you know what he did? He prepared some “special†saline implants for her. Because, after all, saline is nothing but saltwater, and he just so happened to have some saltwater fish tanks at home. As luck would have it, his damselfish had recently spawned. So, he scooped the eggs out of the tank and, with a little food and just a bit of air, fashioned a pair of implants. The surgery went just fine and his work was impeccable. After all was said and done, he left for a long vacation. The woman seemed happier with these implants, well, at least for a while. In time she started to notice a weird tingle, kind of a creepy-crawly feeling. Soon she started getting the oddest sensation that something inside her implants was moving around, back and forth. Getting quite concerned, she returned to Dr. Beaumont's office but it was closed. Her regular doctor gave her a muscle relaxer to hold her over until the plastic surgeon returned from his vacation. (Of course, he wouldn't be coming back.) It wasn't too long before things went from bad to worse. By then, those tiny fishies had grown to the point where they were looking for some more food, since they had eaten everything the good doctor had packed for them. So, with their itty-bitty teeth, they started chewing an escape hatch out of their tiny aquariums. It wouldn't have been so bad if they had chewed outward, toward the skin, but tragically they chewed in the other direction. I'll leave the gory details to your imagination, but needless to say, the result was fatal. As for Dr. Beaumont? Well, on his long vacation he was hitting all the seedier spots in search of someone who could create a new identity for him. The authorities never caught up with him, but then again, the lure of a prestigious career in plastic surgery is awfully strong and it's as likely as not that he's practicing again... maybe even in your town. (Inspired by stories of “plastic surgery nightmares†as well as reports of surgical implements being left behind in people.) Word Count: 630