Lightning - (a sad attempt at a haiku) by Metonicus
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Description
Love, like lightning,
Is beautiful from a distance.
But don't get struck.
Blush mentioned 5-7-5. so here's another go:
Love is like lightning,
Beautiful from a distance,
But don't hope it strikes
Better?
Comments (8)
I liked the simple metaphor/analogy of this piece, albeit could be taken by one as a 'tongue-in-cheek' piece or a 'been there' piece .... excellent 'message'!
I don't think the 5-7-5 syllabe count means much anymore he A very good attempt I may add Nice to meet you I just posted a poem too Hope ya come see me as well Once bitten twice shy:) Susan~
I now prefer to stay sheltered until the storm passes! ;)
very cool yup 5-7-5 though I agree with blush rhythm doesn't mean much anymore. Very good haiku though :)
I still like your poem, to be honest I am not smart enough to syllabe count concerning poems in English, so I didn't notice anything wrong in the first version. Haikus have today softened rules, but I like the original idea of having something from the nature and combine it with life and that the ending line is an answer or something like that.
I like this haiku because it says what it means to and isn't loaded with strange metaphors. It's straight and to the point. Maybe that's what would make it terrible in a purists eyes, but I like it. Perhaps the original version was better in my eyes, the newer one sounds awkward.
Great work ! It says it all :D Keep on going !
I like your Haiku. It has a very nice flow. Keep up the great work! (Heh, 5-7-5)