I hit a breaking point. Rundown to the point of constant exhaustion, and totally lacking the ability to do the most basic things. I see a doctor tomorrow, more to appease my mom than anything else. Like, i already know what the problem is, I just can't do anything about it. I need rest. More than a good night's sleep, or even a weekend lounging on a couch. However, that is beyond my reach. It's frustrating. I need help. I ask for help. And here I am, three years since my Mom's kidney's failed (following a major heart attack) and it's just me. I've spent the last 11 years of my life - ONE THIRD of my life looking after her, and it's been just me. Meanwhile, I still have my own health problems. All of which I keep shoving aside because there's no one else willing to do what it is I do. I have two brothers. She has a number of siblings. There's dozens of cousins and several friends and still. It's just me. So. I haven't been rendering. I zonk out in Minecraft, interrupted constantly. Not always because I was actually needed. I try not to let my frustration show. Mom turns 70 on the third, and I worry that if she doesn't push herself she won't see 71. I can't push her. I'm not enough. I rendered this last night just to render something. It's ok, I guess. There's a hidden message there. On the one hand, I think folks would take one look and see a villain. On the other, I see a woman who's been hurt and who's trying her best to keep living a "normal" life. Or maybe the scar is symbolic. Fake a smile long enough and it can become a scar. I don't know. I try to smile as much as I can, but I don't feel it anymore. And you know what scares me? I made the decision to keep living because there is no one else willing to do what I do. No one else willing to help take care of Mom. After that duty has been completed? Well, I realized I couldn't leave the pets to anyone else. The reason I keep going boils down to the fact that I don't trust anyone. I hope this finds you well. I'll keep trying. I'm not done writing - I guess I have that to cling to as well. I have unfinished work. Of course, once again, I don't trust anyone else to finish it. Soooo... I'll keep trying. ~~LA P.S. I have asked for outside help from senior services. They have refused. Usually SOMEBODY suggests I try that, as if I haven't the ability to think of a solution so simple. The caretaking of our senior citizens is abysmal and I doubt anything will ever happen to change that fact.