Hell Is a Wellness Resort – Part II by lordi
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No AI - This artwork was created entirely by hand or with traditional digital tools.
Description
This story was originally written in German. My English wasn't quite good enough to translate all the jokes without accidentally sending them straight to Hell, so I asked the internet for help. Hopefully, most of them made it back alive.
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Ninth Circle – Traitors
Frost. Ice. Frozen sinners.
“Here the traitors are imprisoned. Frozen forever.”
I look around.
“Seriously? This is a joke compared to social media. Nothing but cold comments, hate emojis, every sentence an icicle straight through the heart. Emotional coldness at its finest. This is more like a Caribbean vacation on the rocks.”
The demons give up.
Satan himself appears.
Huge. A cloak made of smoke. Eyes like burning coals. The kind of presence that feels like a rock star with a stomachache.
“Mortal… you defy every torment. Why?”
I shrug.
“Earth, 2025. War, climate crisis, rising rents, slow internet, politicians with the foresight of a blindfolded mole – compared to that, this place is cotton candy with pink unicorns.”
Satan pulls out a tablet and scrolls through the news and Instagram. Smoke starts coming out of his ears.
“This… is all worse than here? My torments are a joke compared to this?”
I smile.
“Luci, I've got an idea: Turn this place into a spa. Lava pools, slime cocktails with little umbrellas, fire saunas. People pay for the things they normally hate. And your first regular customer? My neighbor. With thirty relatives.”
Silence.
Then Satan laughs so hard the whole of Hell shakes like an IKEA cabinet when a streetcar goes past.
“Damn… brilliant. You're going to be CEO.”
I take a sip of the slime cocktail and lean back.
“Perfect. From now on, Hell is a wellness paradise.”
I grin.
“And Earth?”
“It can finally get some rest.”
Comments (6)
2025? You’ve been sitting on this one that long? If so, the wait was well worth it! Great image with a really impressive, threatening background cloud bank looming on the horizon. The expression of joy and accomplishment on our fearless protagonist is totally convincing as well. Remarkable!
Yeah, sometimes I forget what I've already written. Thought I'd share it :D Thanks, gmvgmvgmv
Excellent.
Thanks, Gisela
Ooookay! (I don't know the deutsch equivalent of that word...) I went through the Deutsch version as best I could, picking up a few phrases here and there, and yes, I can see that there are phrases, words, colloquialisms, etc, that don't quite make it into English. But still, your English version shines with a sly, wicked and macabre humor. This was a gas, man! Do you know that expression? It was a great ride, a riot of slapping Satin --- Luzi, as you call him --- in the face. Bravo!
And (with gmvgmvgmv), this is a year old? So, you have a whole pile of these pieces sitting in your closet? (One of my classical music teachers---also from Deutschland---used to say, "don't leave your compositions scattered among the breakfast dishes." I didn't have the heart to tell him that most of my compositions, that year, belonged in the breakfast dishes. But your writing does not.)
I didn't see the end coming, but you built to it perfectly: In each of the Dante 9 circles of hell, you knock the air out of the demons by telling them---to use an american expression---"oh yeah? Piece of cake, dudes!" Or "no biggie, guys!" Ie, you think THIS place is bad, come to earth for a week..."
You have your usual razor-sharp images, comparisons, metaphors; and they all lead up to the end, when you tell Luzi himself that his place ain't half as bad as earth, these days. (And that any half-smart person would take Satan's Inferno over earth, any day. When Dante saw the big sign over Hell's entrance (okay, I found a translation: "Auf halbem Weg des Menschenlebens fand/Ich mich in einen finstern Wald verschlagen..."), he would've said, "you've got to be kidding: Come to my town---there's a living hell!"
Your use of short, terse statements are ittle verbal punches and gems. (Thus the comic's word, "punchline".) And they're all zingers. (You know that word? I'm a one-language clutz talking to a bi or multilingual european, I don't know what's common in Europe.) Point is, they all zing us, hit us, right away. You have a sharp sense of humor. I also learned that 'ne is short for "einen". Not an important fact, but I never knew it...(And I learned who Dieter Bohlen was!) "The whole of Hell shakes like an IKEA cabinet when a streetcar goes past"...just one example of your many imaginative sentences. And your little 'taglines' at the end of each Circle---showing the growing exasperation of the demons---are perfect little jabs.
Bravo, Sir L...Luzi is calling God and saying: "G? This guy can write. As they say in Brooklyn, G: Fuggeddabbouddit..." (That's "forget about it"...meaning, "don't even try to argue: This guy can write.")
I gave you the wrong quote: The sign to Hell begins, "Lasst, die ihr eintretet, alle Hoffnung fahren!" (The other quote was the opening of the whole work...sorry! I'm not used to reading German these days!
laughs Thanks a lot. Reading your comments is almost more fun than my little stories here. And okay—yeah, that’s a word we’ve adopted completely :D And yes, as I said before, some things are hard—or even impossible—to translate. I’ve got a few other stories that I really just can't translate. Any attempt would either water the story down so much that it wouldn't be funny anymore, or it would turn into a completely different story in English. I still have a few short stories, but I haven't created an image for many of them yet. I don't like showing them in a forum for graphic art without an image :D Dante—yeah, I read him ages ago, so don't worry, I understood the reference to the gate's inscription. I actually toyed with the idea of including it in the story, but I thought it was funnier to have the sinner wake up right among the demons. I know "punchline." We use that too. I mean, we "Late Germans" might have a quirky language compared to English, but we do adopt things now and then laughs That shorthand—yeah, it's a kind of slang. That's exactly why I can't translate some of these stories. I could post one entirely in German sometime, but I think it would take you quite a while to translate it, since I rely on the Berlin accent there :D And I'm honestly sorry you had to learn who Dieter Bohlen is lol
An excellent conclusion to a masterfully told story. My favorite best unforgettable line was "The whole of Hell shakes like an IKEA cabinet when a streetcar goes past" I can relate since I have personally built a few of these IKEA cabinets throughout the years. Congrats on showing us another side of your excellent creativity with your well written stories. :)
laughs Thanks a lot, Johnny. Yeah, those cabinets are a bit of a living hell in themselves :D
LOL .... That's a funny story ;-)
Thank you, max-