... My mind, a vessel, tore me far out into a sea of blood. I can't see the shore anymore. I don't know which way is which. No hope to hold onto, it left me to die. Ever so slowly watching the time pass with nothing happening. Watching everything unfold around me. Watching the lack of anything in my life, crushing me. I want something that isn't nothing just to have it. I have fought but now I'm losing any chance of reparations. I'm starting to give in, accepting that I can't change what I still can't stand for. Letting time pass, nothing done, I'm still drowning in my own blood. I'm growing tired. Soon I will tire out. I can't stay afloat forever, it's all around me, it's all I see, this sea of blood in my mind consumes me. I can't stand on land. Don't try to pull me out, it'll only confirm my own inability. It's not the sea anymore, it's the blood running through my veins, keeping me alive, this is what's killing me. It's what inside me, it's what's killing me. Over the weekend I attended a baptism at a church off of the commons. They do some outreaches to people like me. I went with a friend who was having her baby baptized. As I watched the water being sprinkled over her little girl, and how this act would keep her soul from hell while she is still young...I thought about my own little sister, Aiko. How she never had the luxury. How her DIY baptism still burns in my mind. I am drowning in my own sea of blood. ~yO