Cold Foggy Days~~~Edited And Reposted!! by beachzz
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Description
Sometimes when I write, the words just come out without any encouragement on my part. I don't always go back and look at them, but with this one I did and I made some changes. I like this a lot better~~maybe you will too~~but read and enjoy no matter what!!
here's a link to the original:
click here
Cold Foggy Days
These cold foggy days
I hate em
It’s the kind of cold
That goes right to your
Bones
Freezes them
Chills them
Ices them
Makes you crazy
Wet
Windy
Drizzly
Swizzly
Mean
Nasty cold
I think we did have spring
One day last week
It got almost warm
And almost bearable
But I blinked
And I missed it
And then it got cold and foggy
5/7/08
Comments (18)
Sometimes a little surgery can work wonders ... I think it has here [though I liked V1 as well] Personally, I would also 'lose' the last line - the first stanza and the title both give that information, so the last line could be redundant. Plus ... But I blinked And I missed it seems a more dramatic ending to me. This is merely a suggestion - it's your poem and you're entitled to tell me to 'butt out' [is that the right expression?] But, yes, I really like the poem. Mike
wonderfully put!
If you like it better thats the main thing Marilyn, I always say, each picture I take and post is first and foremost for me. If I am happy with it and think it fit to post I do, if people like it and comment on it that is a bonus. If people do comment then that means I have touched them in some way. Even those that don't comment have been touched as well, because they stopped and looked. Or in this case they stopped and read. I can't decide which I like the most, they are both good. I think maybe this one has more feeling put into it, a little more feeling than yesterday's. Excellent work. Bravo!!!!!
lol don't blink next time!! lol nice poem
Liked them both and enjoyed them!
i liked them both aswell and like jeff says as long you are happy with it thats all that counts :o) mick
Very cool :-) Have a great day!
wonderful.
I really must go, baby, it's cold outside.... Is this what they mean by a bad hair day? Good renovation of your original prose, Mariyln. I think they're both fine in their own right.
It's beautiful as it is now, your poem! Congratulations: I did not know you are a writer too!
///// (O O) -()-----oOO-------------- | |Excellent work my friend... | ------------------------oOO-- ||_| II II ooO Ooo
A little bit of tweaking goes a long way...especially if there's a particular feel or vibe that you're trying to capture. THIS is a great piece as is the original! The image that accompanies it is brilliantly evocative as well...though I'm probably one of those weird people who LIKES fog! (Which just shows that I've never had to drive in it!) Fog always gets my creative juices flowing and well...I just like the look of it. Your image and your words capture that for me, even though your words also carry a completely different vibe that is just as enjoyable. Great stuff here! As always!
I agree with Mike - in this version, the last line is redundant. I would put a space between "and almost bearable" and "but I blinked" and make "but I blinked and I missed it" be the kicker. Okay - back to our IM conversation! LOL!
I'LL TAKE IT, I'LL TAKE IT and you can have my weather,..... Soooooooo, What ya say, wanna trade??? Coolness!!!
Beautifully written Marliyn....I liked the second better....but both were very well done
I know this feeling so well, but now that I live in the desert I no longer feel my bones...from cold that is. Wonderful poem and image. They certainly hit home with me.
Nice re-posting as they are equally well done.
Sometimes less is more, so to speak. I like this version better, it's a little more tightly knit, more concise. : )