Tribute to my Dad (1931-2008) by ShadowWind ()
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My father passed away this morning, like my mother eight months before. You know, I thought I would know what to say here, but nothing seems right. He was a much different person than my mom, very street wise, a guy who didn't let people push him around, but he held things in deeply. He missed my mother greatly. A few nights earlier, he had a close call with death and said that my mom came to him in a dream and said that it wasn't his time. But unfortunately, I guess it was after all.
My mother's death was hard, but losing both of them has really messed me up. It was all I could do to get beyond that and this is just so much worse. I haven't had any sleep, very little to eat, went through the motions like a robot of things you do in situations like this, like making final arrangements, calling people. Main thing is the deep sense of loneliness that I feel. Dad wasn't always the easiest to get along with, but we'd bonded so much in our shared pain over the last eight months that it makes it just that much harder. To not have him or her to talk to is almost more than I can bear.
I don't know where the future will lead. Not even sure there is a future for me. My whole life has pretty much fallen apart and I don't know how to put it back together.
A lot of people who know me on Renderosity knew me as a rather comedic artist, looking towards the lighter side of life. I don't have that spark anymore after this. Some probably think this ia a pathatic show of emotion. If you do, that's fine. I just thought since it helped last time, it might this time.
I tried to find a more fitting picture in my collection, but this one was a bit personal for me. Dad was always joking around about the buzzards that fly over our house. They live on a cell tower down the street, so we are in their flight path. He always used to yell up them, "I'm not dead yet. Come back later." And my mom and I would laugh. It doesn't seem so funny now, but it's a good memory.
Thanks for listening and thanks to those that have been my friends on here. I'm sorry I'm not with you guys much anymore. Real life, even beyond all this is just too complicated these days.
** UPDATE ** Even though I sounded a bit suicidal in the above paragraphs, don't worry. I'm not going to jump just yet. I did get some news tonight about a light at the end of the tunnel that has given me some hope for the future. Hope that I wouldn't have expected. So I guess the lesson is you never know what's going to happen until it does. I still feel horrific, but at least that has made it less painful.
Image Comments (18)
Mariamus () 8:15PM | Thu, 08 May 2008
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Losing both your parents in such a short time is hard! It's always hard when you lose someone close to you. Everything will seem bleak for a while, but in the end, things will start looking up. I know it sounds like a terrible cliché, but sometimes the truth is one. I'll send my love to you, and I hope you'll get back to looking on the bright side of things, maybe not today or tomorrow, but some day you will. Hugs Elisabeth
SafetyGuy () 8:26PM | Thu, 08 May 2008
My condolences, ShadowWind. I lost my father in 2005. The feeling doesn't go away but it doesn't need to be all you feel either. I was pretty much a zombie through it, but had a brother who really helped me out. I hope you take the time to talk to family and friends. Especially about the moments you shared with your parents that made you laugh, like this photo you shared. You don't need to run from the darkness, but you don't have to let it consume you either. Time will grant a new perspective. This is a road well traveled yet different for each of us.
tizjezzme () 8:53PM | Thu, 08 May 2008
I would never think of this as a pathetic show of anything. My Gosh, I'm so sorry for your losses .. it's soo hard, I know. But I think uploading this image and saying all that you did has helped comfort you. Reading heartfelt comments from us here, whether we know you or not, means a lot, and aids in healing. Just knowing people care. Hold onto to the good memories; Believe me, I know...and you will see just how them memories will help get you through. Right now it seems impossible, but you will see. Love and faith gives you strength. May you find comfort just in knowing people care. xx
davidoblad () 9:00PM | Thu, 08 May 2008
I saw your ebot and cheered.. ShadowWind is back! Then I read your wonderful tribute.. My greatest condolences again.. Louis. Life can really suck sometimes. My friends and family are dropping like flies too.. as to be expected as one gets older and I'm almost 60 now. Don't bother looking for logic or reason.. there simply isn't any. But you will hear from him again, in your dreams, also. I'm sure he doesn't want you all depressed in the same way you won't want your family and friends to be overly disturbed, when your time comes to move on. You can't continue your journey until you leave someplace behind. But he will be watching you, now that's he's begun the next leg of his journey, so don't go and dissapoint him. Celebrate his re-union with your mother and look forward to the day you can join them. But it's not a race.. so take your sweet time and finish enjoying what this life has to offer first. Anyway, again.. my greatest sympathies to you and your family for your immediate loss, Louis. Blessings from Dave :^)
beachzz () 9:05PM | Thu, 08 May 2008
It matters not how old you are, where you are in life, losing your parents is a huge milestone. Losing them so closely is heartwrenching, please accept my most heartfelt sympathy. They will come to you in the most surprising ways, hold onto that and stay with us. May they rest in peace and may you find strength in their memory.
mikero451 () 3:44AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
Shadowind...BIG hugs to you in your darkest night of the soul. :-O I lost my parents in the past few years too and my beloved cats (who were just like babies to me) and my dear, wonderful boyfriend Mike. But although it seems almost impossible now, each day WILL dawn and you will find something to hold onto. You are a very special person, a superb artist and your vision and heart of gold means a great deal to all of us! :-) Mom and Dad are not gone forever...you WILL see them again, laugh with them, joke with them and hold them tight in a happy future. Hey, I will see you there too...SOME day! :-) Be sure to look out and listen for little "signs", "treasures" that Mom and Dad will surely send your way as a message to you that they still love you VERY much. Hugs, Rosy
ascript () 4:37AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
I'm sorry for your loss. This is a wonderful tribute. Feel blessed that your parents loved you enough for you to feel the loss.
lemonjim () 4:54AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
So sad, my heart goes out to you. I always love your work. If anyone can recover, it's you.
ariaans () 5:24AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
My sincere condoleances Shadow... Stay strong! I'm not so good in English words concerning this subject... I don't even know who my dad is, never seen him and didn't grow up with my mother... I'm happy for you that you had them so many years so close to you!! Death is a part of live and I'm sure you'll find the right path to follow :) Big hug from me! :) The picture is wonderful!!!! :)
BrokenWings () 5:30AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
My condolences, sweetie. I know how you feel, first I lost my dad and that was bad, then I lost my mom and my world fell apart. I felt like an orphan and had no idea how I would go on, but somehow we find the strength to do that. I still miss them very much and would give anything to talk to my mother again. Especially when I lost my brother last month and he was the oldest, so I felt alone again. I am here for you, just like I was when your mom left, so if you need anything you just holler and I am there for you! "Huge Angel Hugs", my friend!
Moebius87 () 8:38AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
My deepest sympathies for your loss, my friend. Over the years I have come to know you as a warm, compassionate and a very talented and generous soul. This can only be a reflection of the wonderful parents who raised you. They must be very, very proud of you. Our love and prayers in your time of grief.
bkelly () 10:24AM | Fri, 09 May 2008
I am so sorry for your lost. I can understand all that you say, both of my parents have passed away. At first it was a huge hole in my stomach, that would not go away, but over time, it becomes so much better. I seem to see my mother every day in my children, their kindness, opinions, way of life. Our parents never leave us, always watching over us. I talk to my mother alot, from my heart and mind, and still make decisions based on her guidance. My friend, my heart, mind and emotions are with you, remember everything gets better with time and diligence.
summer1412 () 1:12PM | Fri, 09 May 2008
I'm so sorry for your loss, my sweet. I hope everything gets better over time. Time is the hardest thing to go through, but the only thing that lessens the hurt. My prayers are with you. <3
lahavana () 6:43AM | Sat, 10 May 2008
hold on tight, my friend... time will heal. remember that we are at your side in thought and prayer.
TallPockets () 1:26AM | Sun, 13 July 2008
ShadowWind: HELLO. LONG time, no see. My UTMOST condolences on the recent losses of yours. ~SIGH~. I lost my 'pop' in 2000 after watching him 'freeze' for '3' years with ALS/Lou Gehrig's Disease. He was alot like your father, apparently. You KNEW he LOVED ya' but never really HEARD it openly. He also had a 'different' sense of humor which I believe was passed to me as his oldest son and oldest of nine children. He always said about LIFE and MARRIAGE, "Son, the first 100 years are the HARDEST!" WINK. My saintly mother just celebrated her 80th birthday the past week and still gets around well for her years and her mind is sharp still. I have no wise 'advice' for your losses, my friend. Just let TIME do it's own thing. I've found, that while not healing the hole left, it does MEND it some. These days, every few nights, I go outside, look up into the stars in the skies and tell my late, dear 'pop' (who was a LIFELONG CUBBIES fan), "POP, YOUR CUBBIES MAY JUST DO IT - THIS YEAR!") - SMILE. My health issues are very troublesome many days. I just take one day at a time, my friend. All ANYONE can do? I also always ATTEMPT to find at least ONE thing EACH day that gives ME some ENJOYMENT or some SATISFACTION. In helping myself OR OTHERS. I find that when I'm at my worst, if I help OTHERS it takes MY mind of the 'pity party' scenario I might have otherwise. I've found there's ALWAYS someone out there WORSE OFF than I/YOU are. Hope that makes some sense. It's FREE advice from a just turned '57' year old geezer. GRIN. May your days on this orbiting sphere called EARTH be blessed with the BEST for you, old friend. If not, do the best you can each day. As I know you have and will do. In the words of the famous Negro League Pitching star, Satchel Paige, "DON'T LOOK BACK - SOMETHIN' MIGHT BE GAININ' ON YA'!" (WINK but TRUE!). Remember the PAST but do NOT DWELL on it. "LIFE is for the LIVING", my friend. Or, as my late 'pop' also always said, "I'll REST when I'm DEAD". GRIN. My BEST to you and all your love, KIND SOUL .... TallPockets/brian.
Digimon () 6:35PM | Thu, 02 October 2008
Sorry to comment so late... I think it's wonderful that you have such rich memories of him! Those will stay with you forever.
Iceshark39 () 9:32PM | Wed, 09 December 2009
Again, sorry for the late comment, and, again, my deepest and most sincere sympathies. I cannot even imagine how hard it is to loose both parents in such a short span of time. I lost my own Father in 2002 and the pain is still there. That ache and hole in your heart will always be there for the loved ones lost, but remember them and the good times and they will always be with you. Both your memorials are wonderful tributes to your parents, I'm sure they look down upon you with love and smile at the honour you show them with your lovely and heartfelt tributes.