Vampyre Gothika by LyleAryn ()
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Art in a funk.
This piece I did over the last three days. Two days working on the scene, and 20 hours render time. For all that work, it should be spectacular. It is, as you can see... mediocre. At best. There's clipping, there's a slightly oddity to the camera angle. Overall, it's not exactly what I wanted to present. The idea and concept are solid.
This is rendered to only 50%. It was clear enough, and it's time to try and move on.
I haven't been very active lately, it's true. I apologize for any concern this may have raised. I haven't disappeared, I assure you. I have been working on my SELF. With the lack of site emails, and the clunkiness of using the phone to go through the activity feed, I have not been as able to really go through and enjoy all the wonderful artwork.
It's been a struggle. To be honest, I turned to renderosity as an escape. I poured a ton of effort into it, none of which I regret. This is a positive place. You are good people, and good friends. I'm not leaving or anything, I just need to step back a little bit. Before I was spending several hours each day going through, giving critics. Posting how much I like this piece or that. This was time easily managed, as I could use the email system to go through them whilst doing other things. When the site broke, i tried to continue. Only then I was sitting at the computer for hours.
I walk a lot. Renderosity was good as an exercise while I exercised, and help to keep my away from too many negative thoughts. I really came to rely on it. I pushed myself to consistently improve and put forth my best effort.
There are steps I can take to improve this piece, I know. I plan on tackling it eventually. For now, I post with this message: Even through the darkest of days, we should continue to push, and to create.
Honestly, if everything had gone according to plan, you would have seen less of me. I was moving forward in life. Right now I should be leaving Utah on the last leg of a journey I spent months planning. Picking up a friend who needs a hand. That trip is delayed. Not canceled, mind you, but still. I'm left a little at a loss. When I do go and get her, I know I will be spending time with her. Helping her reach her goals, and spending time with her to not feel so alone. The connections I've made here are wonderful, but its not the same as having someone beside you.
The second thing, though, is that this is a time of year usually marked by grey. The weather, sure, but also when it seemed the depression will overwhelm me. I still have this beautiful experience to look forward to, but for now? I am left alone. Waiting. Which is better than before. I've spent much time doing nothing. Just existing. I had given up.
I noticed it when I tried to paint, too. It feels off. The brush doesn't feel the same. What I paint doesn't feel real. That disconnect. The grey. February approaches. One month out of the year I wish I could just sleep through. Despite all the positive changes I've made this last year, I'm still prisoner to my mental health. I'm looking at my own art, and wondering how I ever managed it.
Then there is the mountain of little things. My Surface Pro has quit working. My keyboard failed. Daz Studio, for whatever reason, lost all the buttons across the top and I can't figure out how to get it back. Renders that I think should go pretty quickly are taking forever to even get started, and moving at a snail's pace despite GPU rendering and not filling the memory. Other things as well that I will not mention.
I am afraid. There are people in my life now. People that look up to me. People that call me things like "Stable" and "Dependable." Every day I get out of bed sooner than I used to. I walk further than I used to. I'm trying. I'm fighting. And yet I question why I do it. I have this experience to look forward to. Help my friend. Give her a place to be while she gets on her feet. Teach what wisdom I can pass on. Be a rock for her. Yet, that will be fleeting. She'll be here about a year, and then... what? What happens then? I'm starting to feel old. Not just my age, but old. Do the right thing, and yet what will I be left with? I'm 33. In love with someone who is not mine. At least, I'm in love. I know there's a purpose to everything that happens. I don't believe in coincidences.
I fight to be myself these days. I am an empath, and have spent too many years trapped by it. Hiding. Never sure of what I feel. Finally learning that it's not a disorder. I'm not really agoraphobic.I spend a lot of time in wide spaces, in fact. The anxiety I feel around crowds. My system overloaded by so many conflicting emotions. Since COVID, there's been so much anxiety in everyone. And fear. It's even more overwhelming.
Some may call me crazy. Truth is, I've just grown tired of trying to fit in. Soon, I will be going across the country to pick up someone I love to help them prepare for a life with someone else. It's the right thing to do, and it's some I CAN do, so to do anything else would be to be untrue to myself. It is enough that I am trusted to do it. It will be enough to see her flourish.
I decided, with this not-so-great render, to go ahead and bare my soul. I am struggling, but I have not given up.
I have not given up.
P.S. Devak and Tara 8 are our lovely models today, utilizing that "Vampire's Kiss" set Daz gave us for Christmas and some dForce dresses. I was going to use the Rochelle gown on Tara, but it breaks instantly when I go to run the simulation. Besides the HDRI and the mesh lights that came in the scene, I have a spotlight set up. I think the enthralled expression looks really good on Tara 8. I might just have to do a render just around that.
Keep fighting, friends!
Image Comments (10)
starship64 () 1:32AM | Tue, 12 January 2021
This is actually very nice work.
I can tell you from my own experience that if you keep going, even if it's just for one more day at a time, things do eventually get better. And helping your friend will help you as well.
Yeah. I'm not going back to the shell of a person I was. Learning how this new "me" copes with the grey months is a process, but I'm getting through it. I walked 46.1 miles last week. That's how I'm working through it, lol.
Thanks for the visit and the kind words. I'll work on looking through some art later on today.
daggerwilldo () Online Now! 2:08AM | Tue, 12 January 2021
Put one foot in front of the other. Breath your next breath. Every time you do that your life begins anew. Your opportunities are as fresh as a summertime morning.That is not waxing poetic. It is a fact jack. To be alive is the gift we are given to thrive to change our lives and to celebrate the magic of the smallest of miracles. There is a time to sleep forever for each of us but it is not now. Smile, hope, change into the butterfly riding the wind you were meant to be.
It's a marked contrast from last year. I'm more aware than I was. I have made connections that I don't want to shrink from. I'm refreshing connections I have been hiding from too long. I'm not staying in bed, summoning the will to get out of it. The grey is different, too. Still difficult. I'm still kinda out of it and numb. But yes. One foot in front of the other. I have a goal to work towards, and I have people that expect me to be strong. More importantly, I want to BE strong for them.
Especially her. Every positive step I've made in the last year has been because of her. So of course I can do nothing but return the favor.
eekdog () Online Now! 11:18AM | Tue, 12 January 2021
time and great work get you better, super job on poses. type O negative blood sucker..
Thanks. I like playing with the sensuality of it, too. Main reason I'm not very satisfied with it, plus the few clipping issues. I think, since I'm planning on building a new PC in a couple months, I might wait to redo it when it won't take 20 hours to reach a point where the noise is tolerable.
Thanks for your kindness.
Darkglass () 12:33PM | Tue, 12 January 2021
Positive reinforcement its the way to go..with most things....very cool scene, lovely work on the posing...and light...top work...!!
Thanks! It is a concept that I will revisit. I like the play of white and black, light and dark. Thank you, also, for being a good person. Part of the reason I've gotten so attached to Renderosity as an outlet is all the good folk here. Just about any other place I've posted art, I've had to deal with negativity. Truly, this is the best, and all art communities should follow the example.
chasfh () 2:52PM | Tue, 12 January 2021
Nice work. Everything can be improved, so mediocre isn't really a thing to my mind.
As for everything else, life is a series of vignettes; all of us keep looking for the "bigger picture", and as a result we miss the beauty and joy of those little moments, those simple pleasures. Keep your chin up, and take everything you can from those little moments, it;s those that will keep you going in the quiet times.
miwi () 4:07PM | Tue, 12 January 2021
Beautiful characters, fantastic image,excellent work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Davidvantol () 8:52AM | Wed, 13 January 2021
Awesome work. I can guess that most are not happy with their own work. We are our worst critic most the time. I say as long as you learn from the project then there is no loss. I do want to take the time to say I wish you the best. I know this is hard times for so many. Stay strong, stay focused and keep safe !