Another Improvised Piece by anahata.c ()
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Ok, I did this in an hour last week---it takes guts to keep uploading these.
But I do this every so often; and, when I have the chutzpah, I post them. They're stream-of-consciousness, I'm not even sure they're funny, and I hope you'll still come here when you're through.
Thanks again for all your wonderful visits and support. Have a great week!
(wouldn't you like, just once, to hear, "I hope your week sucks..."?)
Ok, here goes. Improv no. 238,000. (This takes guts):
I got an email today:
All users of the Sun: Be sure to upgrade to Sun V. 2000010332219.886721.
Older versions will not work with the current OS. (Check your local Cosmos for your current operating system.)
If you choose to keep your earlier version, you'll experience solar glitches, star drop-outs, pure black-and-white galaxies, even atomic fission with unacceptable levels of gluten. (Don't ask. They discovered gluten in atomic fission...)
Upgrades are free to previous users: Please have your current Serial Number ready. The one you were given at birth...
Write us at:
"Fuck," I thought, 'it's always something..." (I mean, remember the last solar upgrade? It took, like, 2 billion years just to download the damned thing. The Himalayan Mountains formed in that time. And they're being upgraded too!)
I also wanted to tell everyone, there's an Air and Water upgrade coming in March! (Can you believe it? They finally upgraded Air!)
The Water upgrade promises to have all kinds of cool perks: I'll be all 64 bit (!!!), it's now compatible with Power Point, and it has (get this) resizable Hydrogen molecules! (Resizable! No more squinting...)
SO SHARON was reading while her boyfriend was out xeroxing a bowl of pretzels, when her dog---Dmitri---sauntered in and said: "Woof."
(He wasn't the most articulate dog.)
"What's wrong?" said Sharon.
"You know that poodle down the block?" said the dog.
"She committed suicide."
"You heard me: The poodle down the block committed suicide. Genevieve the Poodle. Ay ay ay...she was such a happy poodle...how did it happen...how did it happen..."
Then Dmitri---the dog---reflected on the meaning of life, until he realized he was a dog and had no business reflecting on the meaning of life. Dogs don't reflect on the meaning of life. They just don't. One dog I knew reflected on why the Southern Hemisphere has summer when we have winter: "It's a hoax," said one. But that's all: That's all that dogs reflect on...
She'd come back from the dead!
"Genevieve!" said Dmitri: "You're back!!!"
"What, 'back'? I'm a ghost..."
"Have you learned the mysteries of the universe?"
"Puh-leeeeze..." said Genevieve.
"What!" said Dmitri: "Come on, tell us the secrets of the cosmos. I mean, you were dead, right? What did you see???"
"Ok," said Genevieve: "I'll tell you what I saw. Stars suck! They're wayyyy hot, they're wayyyyyy bright, they have nooooo sense of humor, and---despite rumors---they don't 'twinkle': They bitch. (To me:) Can I say that?"
"Not really," I whispered: " 'Bitch' isn't acceptable..."
"Fuck it, I'm a female," said Genevieve: "My POINT is: The cosmos is cold, there are quarks and nebulae and black holes out there, and all I know is, there's a lotta creepy shit out there, and the cosmos needs a good decorator." She leaned in: "Ever seen an asteroid? (To the cosmos:) They have medication for that shit, ya know! (To us:) You got it much better on planet earth, trust me..."
"WHAT, the end???!!!" cried Genevieve: "I wasn't finished!"
"Sorry," I said.
To make it up to her, I brought Genevieve back to life, she and Dmitri hit it off and got married, and---I don't know, I haven't worked out the rest yet.
"Next time, let's get a better writer," said Genevieve to Dmitri.
"From your lips to god's ears," said Dmitri."
God's ears weren't available for comment...
(the last bit)
New York, January 26th:
A Greek Vase escaped from the Metropolitan Museum today, threatening to hold-up several commuters on their way to work. Later---for reasons still not disclosed---the vase went to the Statue of Liberty, shouted, "do you ever SMILE?" and gave her the finger.
According to sources close to the event, the Statue of Liberty leapt off her pedestal, gave the vase the finger, tore off her gown---to reveal she was wearing a Steampunk top and shorts, and had tattoos all over her body. Then she bowed, made a disparaging remark about "the tired and poor," and left.
The Tired and Poor were outraged. They---with the Huddled Masses---formed a webcast on Youtube which got over 2 million hits the first week. They called the Statue "pitiful".
The Greek Vase, in the meantime, returned to its museum, shacked up with a Picasso sculpture, got major burns "from all the sharp edges, not to mention that really fucked up face," and became the vase in a popular flower-ad on Cable.
It went on to re-create the universe---upstaging the Book of Genesis and several Creation Myths---and filled the Garden of Eden with Spanakopita---a Greek Spinach Cheese Pie, which was great unless you hated Greek Spinach Cheese Pie, in which case you were shit-out-of-luck.
The Vase was impeached---though not convicted---and the earth was created out of Samosas, which are Indian potato dumplings which are delicious but reeeeeeallllly fattening. The human race ate 2 billion, put on a lot of weight, and that's where we got diets.
(don't say I didn't warn you...)
Artwork Comments (8)
RodS () 7:37PM | Sun, 26 January 2020
OMG..... I need coffee....
There - that's better....
Don't even get me started on "upgrades..." I start foaming at the mouth when that word is even mentioned.. See, now I have to clean off my keyboard. Again.. Last time Windows updated, my mouse had a heart attack and died. It was even a wireless mouse. Figure that one out. Then my Xfinity gateway started playing Donna Summer and doing disco dances. It was really f###ed up...
I've not had anyone tell me they hope my week sucks (yet), but I've awarded that wish upon a few deserving individuals.. And that was just last week..
There are actually a couple instances where the word "bitch" is socially acceptable... The first is when referring to a female of the canine species. Especially in professional breeder circles.
The second is when you beat the living shit out of some obnoxious, pudgy, irritating, female bully for pushing you to your limit. I'll let G4 fill you in on the details...
G4: "Yeah, I smile every time I think about smacking that twit, and watching her fall on her overfed butt! Hehehehe.."
Uh, Thanks, G4...
I have a tip for the Greek vase, too... When sneaking up on a Picasso, keep in mind you have to find it's blind spot - which is relatively easy given that they usually have both eyes on one side of their head...
No charge for the advice... 😉
Keep these coming, Mark! I'm gonna be giggling all night... 😂
Richardphotos () 8:55PM | Sun, 26 January 2020
very imaginative and humorous. my sister was bragging about the radio app she has on her cell phone but discovered that it was draining the battery very quickly. I could not find a way to shut it off. blankety blank i phone
goldie () 10:32PM | Sun, 26 January 2020
Now that I have stopped laughing, I think I can manage to make a comment. These are just about the funniest scenes I have read in a very long time...I can hear the NYC in you :)...Thanks for certainly helping to uplift my day/night (with all the negative crap going on in the world, could probably use a crane to uplift my spirits above the mean high tide mark just about now). I love the Statue of Liberty scene! Steampunk with tattoos create an outrageous mental image...
bakapo () 1:53PM | Mon, 27 January 2020
And now I have even more vivid images in my head about your stories. Man, I would give anything to see that steampunk Statue of Liberty. She sounds awesome and better than the original... which is usually not what upgrades of anything actually are.
However! The one exception might be Greek Spinach Cheese Pie and Samosas, because that does sound like it would be an improvement to just about anything. Thanks for the smile, I needed it on this cold and cloudy day.
goodoleboy () 6:24PM | Tue, 28 January 2020
I enjoyed reading your Ode to a Greek Vase. At my age and general condition I dread doing any kind of upgrading now. I used to do it without a second thought, but currently I'm paralyzed at the thought. My confidence has expired. And you make jest of our origins in the universe. You realize of course that life on earth would be far different now if an ultra huge asteroid, billions of years ago, hadn't plunged into the Mexican waters south of Louisiana, affecting the atmosphere and killing all the dinosaurs, leaving only our tiny mammal ancestors alive to continue unfettered on a eons-long string of evolution.
Wolfenshire () Online Now! 10:51PM | Tue, 28 January 2020
I never know what to say about your writing, it is just too stunning in it's depth and creativity. Delightful work.
GrandmaT () Online Now! 7:24PM | Fri, 31 January 2020
Your drugs are WAAAAY better than mine. I love it when you go on one of your "walk-about" brain trips. They make me smile. Thank you!!