A Word on Coughs by anahata.c ()
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(I'm 2/3 the way through your galleries, and will get to the rest of you this week. A few comments each this time, but more after the 1st...I'm doing dedis privately, for the most part...)
Now. That painting is a COUGH.
I posted it before. Now I'll tell you why I'm posting it again.
When my sister finally recovered (and was out of danger), I got a flu the size of Montana. I ran 103.5 fever for 5 days (39.72C), then lower. I was sick for 3 weeks. Now: I have friends who've had really bad health problems, so I say this with humility, believe me. But I still wanna tell you about my cough.
When my fever dropped, I got a cough that registered an 8.2 on the Richter Scale.
If you read the .pdf that comes with your birth, you'll see on page 42 (I'm quoting): "The cough mechanism is designed to get rid of 'unwanted fluids'". They mean this. They're not joking.
What they DON'T tell you is: Coughs get rid of fluids AFTER they've been inside you for DAYS. Because, in the weeks prior, coughs get rid of nada. They tear you apart, they send you into convulsions, they email their friends and laugh their asses off, and they send you into acrobatics that would give gymnasts hernias---keeping you, in the process, from sleeping, eating, drinking, occupying space and time, you name it. Coughs wreak havoc. That's what they do. And they freakin' luv it...
I called the people who designed the cough. (I'm talkin' the original designers, here.) One of them is named "Mel". He got a Nobel Prize.
I said: "Mel---may I call you Mel? There's maybe a mini-mini-mini-mini bit of fluid in my throat, but your 'mechanism' has caused me expirations that could kill a dinosaur. In fact I know 3 dinosaurs personally, and they dropped dead. I've fallen to the floor, my lungs have filed lawsuits, my neighbors called a SWAT team, and my voice left and moved to Florida. Yet---hear me, Mel---I haven't produced an IOTA of fluid. Not a MACULA. (Ya like that word, 'macula'? Ya just don't get to say that often enough, if ya know what I mean...)"
I went on:
"Your 'design'---wink, wink, nudge, nudge---is tantamount to calling 200 fire fighters to break down a home, break down all the walls inside the home, all to put out a cigarette lighter. Nice design, Mel. Good job. I just wanted to say, great job on the ol' cough, buddy."
Mel said this wasn't his "dept," and I should call Tech Support---which is only open Mon-Fri, and you have to go through approximately "2 billion prompts". As Jackie Gleason said: Thanks a lot, pal.
So: I reasoned with my cough. I offered it money. I issued threats. I called lawyers, guys with machine guns, the Navy SEALS: Nada. My cough still coughed...
I finally got the strongest Suppressant on the market---Note that I have to be careful with drugs because some make me sick, some even put me into shock. But I got the toughest Suppressant on the market, and I swigged the stuff. And guess what? It worked!
I woke up drier than the Gobi Desert. I've never BEEN to the Gobi Desert, mind you, but I got on intimate terms with it this month. We now hang out. Anyway, I couldn't talk afterwards. My eyes were so dry, they cracked like old paintings from the Renaissance. I had to bring in a team of Conservators to uncrack my eyes. (All true.) And on top of it, I talked like a mafioso who'd killed 60 people. I was a delight.
Annnnd...I got sick again. (My cough was thrilled.)
At THIS point, I called the District Attorney for the State of Illinois, and filed a Class Action Lawsuit. They told me, "don't count on this". Duhhhhh. But I'm goin' through with it anyway...
That's why I was absent so long. In a few days, I'm having dental surgery, and I hope to look like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. Last week, my internet and phone went out, and my voice came back from Florida to tell me he met a "great chick" and is going to Vegas with her. (Have fun, guys!) So I now talk like Gilbert Gottfried, and if you don't know who Gilbert Gottfried is, he's a comic who's voice could stop most tanks. He's hysterical, but not the most soothing voice in the world. Again, some of you are really struggling: I'm not comparing. But this last month has been 'not too much fun'...
I'll finish commenting, and I wish you all a wonderful week and New Year!
Thank you for your wonderful comments and support!
Image Comments (19)
wysiwig () 3:51AM | Wed, 28 December 2016
First, of all the painting is spot on. Looks like Phlegm City. Second, you say Mel won a Nobel Prize? You do know that Alfred Nobel invented dynamite so what did you expect? Third, get a flu vaccine every year and a pneumococcal vaccine to prevent pneumonia. We old farts are vulnerable that way. Fourth, its 2016 so, again, what did you expect? And finally, you should be writing for someone somewhere. This was hilarious. Of course it could be because it wasn’t happening to me. Nothing funnier than the misfortunes of others. We humans tend to be like that (although I’ve seen monkeys laugh their asses off when another monkey falls over).
So, if you are going to be SO selfish as to concentrate on your health instead of catering to all of us on Renderosity well then I don’t know what to say (the stupid spell check wants me to use ‘doesn’t’ instead of ‘don’t’ so I guess I doesn’t know what to say). I’m glad to hear your sister is doing better.
Stay warm Mark and drink warm things like tea and chicken soup and we will see you next year.
durleybeachbum () 4:18AM | Wed, 28 December 2016
Fabulously funny! (as long as it isn't me)
If the wonderful image had a bit more blood in it then then it could be my left lung!
You are an amazing writer, Mark. A man of so many talents.
Richardphotos () 6:35AM | Wed, 28 December 2016
one can always see others with problems far worse, but does not change one's current health problem
very dramatic fractal and superb work. I am behind in the galleries
Faemike55 () 8:51AM | Wed, 28 December 2016
I was laughing so hard that COUGH visited me as well. This little monologue would be great as a stand-up routine. Punctuated with interjections from COUGH!
all kidding aside, this is a great image and wonderful narrative. Glad you're doing better and I hope that COUGH stays away for a long time.
Also very glad your sister is better as well
eekdog () 10:16AM | Wed, 28 December 2016
Very creative design, Mark. I enjoy the drippy fx and color blends. Interesting in what you mentioned.
helanker () 1:24PM | Wed, 28 December 2016
YIKES! That was a heck of a cough you got there. AND MEAN. So that is how a mean cough looks like. Sorry I couldnt help you against that monster. Thank you so much for a good laugh and giggle all through this hilarious but scary cough story. Anyway, if I should meet him in person, I will fight him, so he will never forget it and I will say, it is from you, so he will never dare to go near you again. Because I dont get more sick by medicinem, so I will use it all. >:-F
photosynthesis () 1:24PM | Wed, 28 December 2016
Ok, Mark, I get how the dripping, slimy mucus imagery ties into your hugely funny monologue about your not really funny at all cough & it's aftermath, but it also reminded me of borscht, which then made me think of Borscht Belt comedy & then come full circle back to your comedy routine. Anyway, good luck with your dental surgery - I'm sure it won't be a picnic, but I hope it goes well and that your pain is as minimal as possible. May 2017 be a better year for you & your family & for all of humanity...
bakapo () 2:18PM | Wed, 28 December 2016
Oh, My Dear Mark... I'm actually laughing out loud, here. (not at you, just at your writing.) I'm sorry you haven't felt well and some of your body parts seem to have ganged up on you, but this sure is the perfect story and image for your misery. I can see, and even feel, the pain. I hope the dental procedure goes much easier and your body heals in a much more gentle way. ps~ flu shot next year? :) hang in there. hugs
goodoleboy () 4:55PM | Wed, 28 December 2016
A cough the size of a CME (coronal mass ejection)? I knew you had bee ill with the flu but didn't know that you were that bad off with that insane cough and fever, fighting for your mortal existence. Sickness everywhere and at all times! Plus a guy named Mel invented the cough? News to me. I thought Mother Nature or some million year Darwinian process had come up with it originally to protect the lungs. I get a flu shot each year and a pneumonia shot whenever I feel I might need it, so wysiwyg has nothing on me. Anyway, to cite an old adage: being alive is to be in danger. Incidentally, a great explosive blood and phlegm posting depicted above (Dante's Inferno or a supernova?) just to illustrate your harrowing experience, Mark. Glad your sister is okay, and take triple care of yourself in that sub zero Chicago climate. And I haven't improved at all with my health situation.
GrandmaT () 5:15PM | Wed, 28 December 2016
Substitute "sinus infection" for "flu" and I know of what you speak. I'm midway through my 4th week and am finally "recovering". The cough is down to "only annoying". I hope yours gives up the ghost and lets you alone for a loooong while. I love your art interpretation of the cough. Wishing you a speedy recovery and a Healthy New Year!
Freethinker56 () 3:42AM | Thu, 29 December 2016
OMGA! and I thought I had it bad.reading thought this your still making jokes Brilliantly written. COOL painting of a COUGH Bravo!
romanceworks () 11:04AM | Thu, 29 December 2016
Sorry to be laughing SO hard from your cough adventure, but it was freakin' hilarious. At least your nasty cough and that suppressant didn't wipe out your sense of humor. That is alive and well and if I had a cough I would have been coughing up a lung as I was reading. Happy to hear you are on the mend and now well enough for dental surgery. Are you having fun yet? NOT! Take are, my friend, and keep kicking cough butt.:o)
SunriseGirl () 11:07AM | Thu, 29 December 2016
Perfectly written and pictured. I know it is supposed to be humorous and I must admit it made me laugh because of your extra descriptive language, but I have been there and done that before so I know first hand how un-funny it actually is. Good luck with the dental surgery. I wish you a healthy and happy 2017.
RodS () 8:50PM | Fri, 30 December 2016
Oh, my GOD, Mark! You know you're really making things hard for me...... I mean..... I feel like such a schmuck for laughing my arse off when someone is sick, but........ Your writing is so damn hilarious, I peed my pants. I'm sending the laundry bill to you. What was your address again? Seriously, reading this missive has tears running down my cheeks. This is so good, now I want to be sick! And have a cough of my very own...
Seriously, this is a very cool painting, and I sure hope you're well on the way back to normalcy (whatever that is..), and that $^%$&$%#% cough leaves you alone for a while!
Happy New Year to you and yours, buddy!
auntietk () 4:04PM | Mon, 02 January 2017
That's some funny stuff! You're a great serious writer, but your humor takes the cake. Love it!!
beachzz () 2:16AM | Thu, 05 January 2017
Well, thanks a frikken lot, your damn cough found ME and decided to move in for a while. It wasn't one of those coughs where you bring up every meal you've had in the last year, nor one that makes you want to hit people, kick small children and push little old ladies over. It was a cough that was just THERE and it lasted two weeks. TWO weeks, till my chest felt like a whole football team was using it for practice, my lungs were bruised and even my BACK hurt. It's gone now, found some other poor soul to torment. But if it ever comes back, it and I are going to have a very long talk and when we're done, I'm telling it, in no uncertain terms, it is NOT welcome, go away, get out and leave me the hell alone!!