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9:33 pm

 Holloween Contest Making Me Lose My Mind
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I been beating my head over this years Halloween contest. Its been a few years since I entered one of these but this year I figured I would give it a try. This years topic "Dont Go In There!" is tough.

I'm having a hard time coming up with something creative. I mean when people tell me not to go in there cause their might be a ghost or goblin I dont go in there that just being smart sooooooo how am I suppose to know whats in there to create something for this years contest if I don't go in there?

I mean if you tell me not to push a button and not tell me why I cant push it, well you bet your ass soon as you turn your back I'm pushing that damn button to see what it does. But you tell me not to go into a haunted place I wont go. So why cant this contest Idea be as easy as pushing the button you just told me not to push but I'm going to do it anyways?

Well if anyone has any ideas for me I'm open for suggestions. Thats all for now enjoy your day or evening or morning which ever it is.

9:30 am

 Just to say thank you
 0 comment(s)

Have nothing inspiring or constructive to say today so I just want to take a moment and thank all those here at Renderosity who supported, helped, and inspired me to create.

This has been a awesome community for me over the past 5+ years and I look forward to meeting those I haven't met yet on here. So thank you all.

Live for the moment... yours truly CStrauss, yours truly this life.

8:35 pm

 my reflections on my life and the value of it
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The recent passing of my older sister really got me to stop and reflect on my life. Death comes to some one we love in every ones life. We mourn, we deal with it and eventual able to go on with our lives. In my family it is a part of our lives that happen all to often.

In 1996 my grandfather on my dad's side past away. In 1998 my nephew was killed in a car accident at the age of four. November 2000 my grandmother past away. February 15th 2003 my father past away at the age of 56. Two years later my grandmother on my fathers side past away' and now in 2009 a week and half ago my sister at the age of 41.

With my sister's death really got me thinking about my life and the real value it has to others. With my grandparents it was easier to accept. It.s the nature of life we grow old and we pass on. The others; my nephew, my father, and now my sister seem more unnecessary, because the where so young, and had more of a purpose alive then dead.

My nephew, was so young and such a gifted child and had so much to offer the world I will never understand why he is gone. With my father he left behind my mother who I see still struggle with his passing, not to mention the financial burdened it put on her and more importantly him not being here to take care of everything. He was defiantly the rock and foundation of our family. And now there is my sister, despite her flaws, and at times poor judgement was a good person, left behind two children she won't get to see graduate from highschool and the other from college.

Now I stay up late pondering the value of my life, avoiding sleep to rid my self of reoccouring dreams that always end the same and wondering why im here when death hits our family so often. I can't help to wonder am I next? My life has taken such a downward spiral the last few years I can't help to think I have no value what's so ever, at least not the value my father, sister, and nephew had to others.

Right now i'm unemployed, with the exception of the occasionally contract job I get for little pay just to keep my self in the market. It's been a while since my last serious relationship. I haven't met another since her  who made feel my full worth. That I was actually needed, that one person you wake up ever morning and know there is a reason for living.

I Have no children of my own so pondering all this leaves me to conclude I have no value in peoples lives and with death looming over my family while my life seems to fall into the abyss why am I still here when others are gone that are needed more?

Hopefully someday I will wake up, and find my way again; find my purpose and most of all find my smile again. Until then I will try to wake up each morning continue to look for work, and try to find something constructive to do. But until then I will have this hole in my heart, feeling my value is nothing more then an empty shell.

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