And yes... I realize I'm probably coming over as being grumpy and miserable here. It's a justified grumpy and miserable! This should work. I know the theory, I know the thinking behind it, and I'm intelligent enough to make educated guesses at what's what. So why, after almost two solid days of working on this, is even the most basic thing (i.e., fabric not passing through something you've asked it to collide with) not working?

Frustration is not even close to describing it.