As of today, I am twenty-one years old.
I can’t even begin to think of how many years I’ve sat in this very spot, writing this very thing, feeling this very way. The difference is now that the tequila is settling in and I’m not feeling so damn chaotic as I usually am. I’m calm. Sedate. Not happy, particularly, with any given thing, but tranquil and prepared in a very weird way.
So many things have gone on this year so far. A part of me almost wants to expect that things will get better; another part of me dreads what will come. However both parts of me understand that I can’t do anything to change what will happen and that I have to go along for the ride with my eyes open or shut depending on what happens. I just pray that Goddess has something good planned for me in the midst of all this trouble and grief.
I know I’ve said this for every single birthday for I don’t know how long now, but it still amazes me that I survived this far. Very seldom have things been easy, or carefree. Very seldom have I felt deep joy. Very seldom, also, have I regretted any of this. Beautiful moments rarely, rarely come without great sacrifice, but it’s worth it.
Grief has been the theme of things. Between losing a few friends due to suicide and sickness, to recently losing a view of myself due to work and obligation, and even more recently losing a boyfriend due to poor communication and extreme differences in views on love, there has been more grief in my heart than I can fully take. In fact, it strikes me now that I haven’t processed everything yet and that’s why I’m nearly flippant about it. I know in my heart that I’m in extreme pain and anguish, and that if I focus too long on it that I’ll be wallowing in my own sorrow for days, but at the same time forgetting just makes this a little easier. Maybe I’ll get over it. Maybe I’ll be able to deal with things soon. For right now, though, I can’t push myself. In my head, the damage is done. The only thing I can do at the moment is try to keep the sepsis at bay from everything else and keep myself occupied.
So tonight, I drink to those who cannot be here by death or by choice or distance or none of the above. The tequila burns smooth down my throat and settles itself deep within my gut; familiar warmth that I know for certain will help me sleep, for once in a many a sleepless night.
Tonight is the beginning of the rest of my life. I want the rest of it to be happy.
Happy Birthday, Self. May these words be your final sorrow.
-Summer, age 21
Jul 13, 2010 1:23:27 amby RGUS Homepage »
21... wow....I can't wait to get there either... though my looks are still as devilish as the day I first rode my bicycle and I still have that devil-may-care attitude to life after skinning my knees and stubbing my big toe on that same bike... I really don't care... because if turning 21 means drinking tequila, THEN BRING IT ON!!!!
Happy birthday Summer... just wait until you're 22... then the real shit happens... you worry about turning 23!!!
Jul 13, 2010 1:42:31 amby romanceworks Homepage »
21 is definitely a turning point. I'm sorry you are so sad on your special day. I've been here for several of your birthdays,Summer, and hope to be for many more. I have a surprise for you. I'd like you to take a look through my gallery and pick out an image you'd like to have, and I'll send you a matted print. I seem to remember you like 'Silver Wolf', but I've done so many, so the choice is yours. And I hope every time you look at the print, it reminds you that happy things happen when we least expect them. That 21 is very special, that you are very special. Keep writing, keep doing your art, keep caring, and keep showing up for life, Summer. Birthday hugs to you, always. CC
Jul 13, 2010 2:32:10 amby ionfox Homepage »
Happy 21st Birthday, Summer. And welcome to the adult world. Soon, you will find life isn't that bad after all, if you take it a bit easier n let go.... It can be a joy even for simple things in life.
At my age, you start facing people falling sick seriously and then leaving you.... But you also start to learn to appreciate the small n simple things in life without taking for granted... Birth, old age, sickness, death are part of our life passing event...kings, Presidents n ordinary folks, rich or poor will have to go thru... What differs is your own outlook in life n how you choose to live it happily... You have experienced tranquil n calm which is the onset of realization for inner happiness, not the normal extreme emotion of happiness as for most normal man.. Soon, this would grow to become a positive n sustainable feeling and change your outlook towards life. Keep writing, doing art etc. That you like n care for people you loved...you would find life is more purposeful n meaningful...
Life is a cycle, when you goes through the bad, the good will come.. Just like rain n sunshine... I wish you happiness as you start out your journey to the adulthood...
A very happy birthday to you.
Jul 13, 2010 8:03:10 amby joe123 Homepage »
I read your thoughts and i feel so bad for you. Plese allow me to share some of my feelings with you. Right out of high school I was drafted and shortly after I was sent to Viet Nam and it was hot; the weather and the action. Two and a half years later I returned and I was not the same person I used to be before I was sent there. I had lost most of my hearing, I looked older than 23,I had lumps on the back of my neck and my back that bled from time to time and I was psychotic, I was in therapy and medication for 6 years. Later on I was told that the lumps on my back and neck were caused by exposure to "agent orange" a slimy liquid that kills plants. But, accoding to the government, is "harmless to humans".
I, like you, spent a lot of time smoking and drinking to kill the psychosis, I was almost 30 years old and I was wasting away. Then I met a woman who actually liked me and I moved in with her. She did not drink or smoked and told me that I had to choose, it was her or the smoking and drinking, I chose her.
Then she told me I should go back to school to learn a trade or profession and I did. I felt that with my personal experience I could help others in my condition and I enrolled in a Social Work program. Now, 30 years later and fighting cancer, I still apply my Social Work knowledge and skills to help others, but I am thinking about retirement. You are so young and fruitful you should be looking forward to a meaningful life and a profession that helps you and others with the burden of your and their existence. Do not give up on life.
Jul 13, 2010 10:19:48 amby neles-e Homepage »
The only suggestion:
A Childlike Mind is vital to Creativity providing fresh insights and simple solutions to complex Adult issues.
Continue Developing Your - Childlike Mind - WE must all strive to go back, to return to, being like a child. Approaching life with that simple attitude - "WOW, what do we have here? What is this, I Wonder?"
I took the liberty here, to include YOU, from 2004.
As you venture
From Ice Cream Sandwiches To Tequila
April 20th, 2004
Sometimes I look back on my short life and wonder how things would have turned out if I hadn't made the mistakes I've made, or been through what I experienced. Sometimes I think things would be better off if I made a few different choices. Not that there's any point in questioning the reasons things happened, though. In a way, I'm thankful for all I've seen and gone through. It made me strong...it made me who I am, and despite the flaws that I see when looking at my writing or in the mirror, there's not a single thing that I would change about myself, because if I changed things, I wouldn't be me anymore.
In other news, I finished my book on the 18th; the hassle is finally over and the weight is off my back. I had planned a vacation after finishing it, but now that it's over, I started the second book. It's almost like I can't go a day without writing...it's almost like it's my life source. I was meant to write. It's something I have to do, or I feel like I'll die - like it is the air in my lungs and the food in my kitchen.
Speaking of, now that I think of it, there are still ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.
THE ICE CREAM SANDWICHES BECKON ME!! Cold, creamy whipped dairy product wedged between two bars of dark chocolate cookie! NOT TO MENTION THE GUAR GUM THAT HOLDS IT ALL TOGETHER!!! Yummy artificial goodness!!!
More tomorrow...I'm tired...and I'm seriously having an ice cream sandwich because now I have it on the brain. Damn female cravings for chocolate...*sigh*
-Summer, age 14
Jul 14, 2010 8:21:59 amby magickmedbh Homepage »
Dear Summer...Happy belated 21st birthday! ;D
Ah, to be 21 again...the heartache and heartbreak. Broken promises and broken knuckles - most of them mine! Long nights crying myself to sleep. Tears of joy, sadness, confusion and loneliness. You know what I hate most about crying? It makes my head hurt and I still haven't found a way to look attractive while crying! Seriously, have you ever tried crying in front of a mirror? Hearing "Big girls don't cry" doesn't hold a candle to watching your self blubber! OMG!!! ;D LOL
Out of everything that has happened: Loved ones leaving - some their choice some mine, betrayal by people I thought were my friends, betrayal by my very own mother... there is only one thing I would change... My youngest - her name is Autumn - turned 18 in March after a long battle with illness. As Autumn began to recover, one of her very best friends became ill. Crystal was beautiful and bright and had so much promise. In May she passed away...on my wedding anniversary just three weeks shy of her 18th birthday. If I could change anything, she wouldn't have died. But I can't change that and it sucks!
Crystal was the latest in a long line of "What the hell???" and I'm sure she 's not the last. But I can tell you that alcohol and drugs don't resolve they only mask and for a very short time at that. When the buzz wears off, you're still faced with the same crap only now your head, eyes and body hurt. And yes, forgetting is easier - but if you continue to follow down that road, you'll wake up one day and realize that you've forgotten most of your life - because to be able to really forget about the bad you have to forget about the good and the mediocre. Everything that happened in the days and weeks and months before and the days and weeks and months that followed must be forgotten for they may trigger a memory of the hurt...so entire years must be scrubbed from your memory banks just in case a song on the radio or a flower growing by the road sparks a neuron and you remember and feel that pain.
Face the pain, cry for a few days, a week, a month, hell even a year - write it all down and in the end know that you are stronger and you can remember everything with a smile and an ice cream sandwhich!